Here's the problem.  I want to BE in Boulder AND here AND in Bemidji AND in Michigan AND in Milwaukee AND in Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I realize I AM with all of the people I adore, but just wanted to complain a little......................... hmmmmmm. 

Nope. Sorry. Can't get right with it right now.  Just plain sad.  It's 10:00 on a Tuesday in my life and I have lots of things to do; but what I really want to do is immerse myself in a blanket of LOVE.  The LOVE of the ones I know;  not waving at the neighbors or BEING Present at work or with Qigong and all that BS!  For this moment I'm losin it - GDI!!

Oh well - I think I'll go eat some breakfast...  Pissy me.  You guys just keep having all that fun w/out me ..something about a rocking chair and a shawl in a dark room.....

Hey ~C4 - like to comment on this one?...Guess again!.... comments OFF

Hey Crazy Zaadies,

I just really realized that all of life is empty and meaningless and that it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless! 

                                            What do you think of THAT?

                                                  Jack Sprat could eat
                                                                  no fat
                                             And his wife could eat no lean
                                      And soooo betwixt them both you see
                                              They licked the platter clean!

Hey Friendly Friends,

"Popping is" Landmark Jargon for getting it.  Not necessarily getting the whole kit and kaboodle; but getting anything at all.  It's about transformations - lots of them - the little ones and the big ones.

Things just keep opening up for me!  Like yesterday I got that the dream was empty and meaningless and I was so happy.... so free.  And just today I got why the dream feels empty and meaningless - it's because I am embodying Presence like I never have before.  I'm creating my possibilities into the future AND now I am not alone because all of my friends can do the same thing ; - )  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I
I AM going to work now.  But I will follow up with what I AM creating more later.
Peace - Joy -Possibility to you all
LOVE and Love,
Renee

It's funny how I feel like I shouldn't blog too many times in one day - sort of like blogging is haagen daz ice cream or something.  I'm careful not to share myself.  It's dangerous to share myself.  Something's wrong if I share myself.  This weekend at the landmark forum I got how scared of all of you I am.  There's something in me that believes  you deserve to exist and I don't deserve to exist.  So I'm creating the possibility of existing.  I choose vanilla.  I choose pink.  I choose to work at Brookwest Family Dentistry.  I choose this life.  I choose this house.  I choose this body.  I choose to blog whenever the inclination hits me.  I choose no more apologies.

It's funny how emptiness gets chosen as a mode of operandus.  One cannot BE if one is  emptiness!  Emptiness supports Beingness.  Without Beingness WHO could speak of Emptiness?  They occur together.   To have one without the other is simply not the facts.   Depression.   What's that all about?  --- It's a refusal to exist in the face of one's factual existence!! ----- "NO!  I will NOT BE here!  I CAN'T BE HERE!  I CAN'T BE HERE!!  THIS is NOT the PLACE I WANT to BE!!!!"  It is absurd in the face of the fact of one's existence to continually pitch a fit, hoping that somehow existence will drop away and happiness will then exist.  No - in the face of fit pitching what you get is the problem of existence AND the depression.  The depression is the result of TRYING not to live in the face of your aliveness!!  So you walk around all droopy and sad and tearful.  And THAT is your existence!!  Happiness cannot exist without a creator to make it so.  Create an intention to BE happy :-)  Happiness and unhappiness are possibilities to create.......choose.  Existence and non existence are choices also.  Choose life and be done with it!  Leave the past where it in fact, is....  Non - existent.

I have been so stingy with myself.  AND I'm not making myself wrong for that ; )

 

May 23, 2006

5:45 AM---I GOT this:

And the word was made flesh and dwelt among us.  And the word was with God and the word was God. And the Lord said: Let there be light and there was light... 

I was standing inside of these intentions at work:  I AM not late for work.  I punch in when I need to in order to accomplish that which needs to be accomplished before I start my day so that I will have the clarity I need about my patients to better serve them.  I AM standing inside of my intention to not lie by never calling in sick if I'm not sick.  I AM standing inside of my intention never to gossip about others at work.  But here was the problem........ I was hiding.  I wasn't speaking.  Others at work were creating the work world and I wasn't.  I allowed the falseness to thrive by being a non-participant!  I was uncomfortable with what was being created AND did not recognize myself as a participant in the work forum.  I was "family centric".

During the weekend of the Landmark Forum I had a racket going about my "focus".  I was so proud of my focus.  I was so right because of the amazing ability I had to focus.  Along about Sat. early evening I noticed how for the entire weekend so far, my focus hadn't wondered away from the speaker.  I was very proud of myself.

Then, yesterday, while I was speaking with my sister Jeannette, I realized that it was the Landmark forum AND me together which created my focus!!!  The Speaker's words were creating my truth----the very truth I know to be the truth!!!! And so I loved him ; - )

There was not one word I can remember which the speaker spoke that wasn't intended to create that which it was his intention to create!!!!!

I feel like I am discovering the secrets of God - like I'm standing inside of the heavenly library where all knowledge dwells.  I am making the distinction between what I was creating which was false and what I was creating which was true.  Here's the distinction. The falseness I create is all of that which I don't intend to create------ and the truth is all that I intend to create.  I AM the Creator of the universe!!

I am creating the possibility of Being Present at work and everywhere else in the world.  I am a powerful force in this world-- as is every single human being-for falseness and for truth.  The falseness is that which I don't intend to create which I in fact create; and the truth is that which I intend to create which I in fact create.  I got it.

Hi Folks,

I'm going to share with you all my enlightenment experience I had when I was 19 years old.  Up to this time I have never felt the time was right to share this with people other than my closest friends and relatives because I saw no point in it.  It was something that happened purely by accident.  It was a gift I couldn't give to others because I simply didn't have way to help others actually receive it.  But this weekend I went to a Landmark Forum.  I received again what my DREAM had given me and so much more!!!!!!  If you are amazed by this story, then by all means - sign up for a Landmark forum and start living your life without the encumbrances of your past!  You can BE anything you can invent as a possibility for your lives!!!!

Here's my DREAM:

I walked into a white misty room.  It was difficult to see and I felt
apprehensive but still, I entered.  I walked deeper in and there was a
square table.  I sat down on it to change.  As I leaned my hand on the table
to remove my clothing a spider scurried from underneath the edge of the
table, across the tabletop and bit me on the back of my hand.  I realized I
had received the bite of death and felt it's poison coursing through my
veins like a hot liquid which when it reached the tips of all my
extremities, I died.



Suddenly I found myself perched beside a precipice - a deep well.  I peered
over the edge and in the next moment I was falling into a bottomless pit,
blacker than anything I had previously understood as black.  It penetrated
every fiber of my being and just blotted me out.  I was falling forever into
what felt like the depths of hell or into the middle of the earth and it
seemed that there simply was no bottom.  There was nothing to grab hold of,
no foothold; it seemed I screamed but no sound emitted as there was no
hearer.  The deeper I went the worse it got until even my 'knowing' was
gone.  I was forever abandoned; utterly alone; without hope of being
discovered or even remembered.  I felt as though I was buried deep inside
of the earth without light, without remembrance, without knowledge, without
hope.



Suddenly, I was grasped hold of as if by a Savior, and just 'flipped' -
whether it was a 180 degree turn or a 360 degree turn I am unsure, but this
'flip' felt like a turning at the very center of my being and it seems to me
that it felt as though that center was located at my navel area, although I
described it as feeling like a chicken on a spit.  It was just one 'flip'
but it felt all soft and turning, like I was floating in a dark, protective
womb with no worries or cares.



Then I was instantly standing on the other side of life!



There was nothing to see, just a soft light permeating the atmosphere.  I
looked to my left and there were two beings seeming to be standing there
talking to each other.  They must have been waiting for me because instantly
they were at my sides, each one took hold of an elbow and we began to
ascend.  At first I resisted because I was scared and I said: "Oh, my God, I
'm dying!!"  But these angels said something to me - I can't remember what -
to reassure me...however, in the next instant I resisted again because I
realized I didn't have to be afraid - dying was fun!!  I wanted to go back
and tell everyone that they didn't need to be afraid of dying because it was
actually a better life than the one they were living now!!



We were ascending at a great speed to a great height - a speed and  a height
not known to humankind.  As I ascended, a great peace was pouring into the
top of my head as all of the physical and psychological pain of earth  was
leaving out the tips of my fingers and toes.  I no longer thought about
those I had left behind.



Very soon we stopped.  We were standing in a place that seemed to be a sort
of study place - a library.  We were looking down into the room as though
the roof had been removed and there were people engrossed in reading and
study.  There was one man who was looking down at some document or a book of
some sort and he looked up at us.  The man was bald and wore glasses.  When
I rememfber him now I always wonder if he somehow was or represented Ken
Wiber, but he also reminds me of Genpo Roshi.  I thought he was going to
invite us in but he didn't make a move to do so and then I heard: "You're
being taken beyond knowledge to the true intelligence".  Then we started off
again at a great speed to a great height and when we stopped I was delivered
to a Being of Light.  The Being came toward me and the light was all I could
see and I was afraid but the Being enfolded me and suddenly I realized how
hospitable and warm this Being was.  It was LOVE!!  LOVE swept me up and
carried me away to be with me and just talk and share LOVE'S communications
with me.  I was held as though a brand new born baby and it seemed that I
heard over and over again - "Now do you understand?"  I simply said "yes" as
many times as LOVE asked.  I don't know for how long this bliss lasted but I
heard: "You don't need to worry anymore. Just go back and do what you know
is right."  Then suddenly I was alone in heaven just left to explore on my
own.  I was filled with the most extraordinary excitement, energy and zeal.
I wanted to go and find the angels and saints because I believed they were
probably doing great works in the service of God and I wanted to be on the
team of helpers who flew down to earth with sustenances from God and then
flew back up again to receive my next task.



But I never found the angels or the saints.  Instead, before me I saw a most
amazing thing.  It was a river of Light - kind of like the first Being of
Light except this was a fountain; it was an immence, outflowing, stream of
Pure White Light and I approached It because I wanted to discover it's
Source. When I looked closer at this outpouring of Pure LOVE I seemed to see
things in the Lightfall.  And I heard what sounded like people talking -
whispering also and music - like a piano or bells tinkling.   I imagined
that such an amazing Phenomenon would have an even more amazing Being as it'
s Source.  I thought that if I could just go into It and get behind the flow
I might find the Face of God.  The river was powerful and when I got close
it seemed to push at me but suddenly I was inside of It and I
found...creation was happening!!!  There was all kinds of electric activity
going on and swirling of the atmosphere and it seemed that there were
mountains moving and cracking.  Then I saw the face of God, like an image
that you commonly see of Christ.  He was falling backwards as though He
would leave me to continue the creation all by myself and I began to panic;
but then I fell away too, and suddenly there was..... Nothing...the
NoThing...the Void...utter and complete freedom...an infinity of unutterable
relaxation...it was just............over.......done.  Completely
.......................done.  And it was the most exquisite thing - to have
it all mean ...just THIS...which was absolutely No...Thing........It was
unspeakable . It was th No Thing that is Everything.  There were no words to
tell it.



There were other things that I remember about this dream.  I remember at one
point looking down at myself in a casket and everyone was there.  My sister
Linda was so upset and she was crying and saying things like "Why did she
die first?  She was the youngest one!!  She died for no reason!"  And it
seems that I remember bandages on my hands, like they had been burned. I
remember a "vast and radiant land" which seemed to come after the Void.  It
was like a great shining cloud and it was a place to walk up onto and just
travel into the distance where all sorts of adventures were waiting.  I
think I was afraid to step onto it.  I also remember that at one point I was
in a waiting room and there was another room right next to where I was.
There was some sort of council - a board of judges who were deciding what to
do with me and I heard them talking but couldn't understand very much except
someone saying "she's not ready yet".  Then I was instantly on the couch in
my apartment and waking up.  I seem to remember having a pillow over my
face.  I pulled it off because I couldn't breathe very well.



After all of this happened I was sitting on the floor of our apartment (mine
and my sister's and two friends who were renting it with us).  I was 19
years old when I had this dream.  I wondered why I had come back and I didn'
t want to be here anymore.  I wanted to be back "up there" with LOVE.  But I
had discovered my worthiness.  I had found out that I was loved.  And God
had allowed me to BE GOD with all of the humility that only LOVE could show.
For some reason He had stepped away and left me with the entire show.  I
also realized that The Void was the Ground of all being - that everything
created came out of the Source - which flowed from Nothing.  I imagined that
it was like a circle where the manifest creation went out of Nothing and
returned back to Nothing, always moving from No Thing to Everything.  I also
wondered why I had to stay here and I thought maybe it was to have children.
I wondered how many and it came to me that I would have three boys and one
girl.  I realized that I and God were ONE and that God was ONE with the
entire universe.  I realized that other people were unaware of their
identity as Gods and I wanted to go to the mountaintop and shout out that
nobody needed to be afraid ever again; that there wasn't any such thing as
hell and that everybody would eventually be saved because the Love of God
was such that it's depths couldn't allow a single disaster.  I thought of it
like His hat is so white the black hats will simply be overcome with LOVE
and will eventually swoon with that LOVE as I had.



 My biggest trouble over the years - before I found Ken Wilber's books - was
the Void; because it was easy for me to love and adore the Being of Light
and Love but it was impossible to adore the Void.  I wanted to love and
adore it (I think in order to have a relationship with it) but I felt like I
was adoring nothing and it was even hard to adore The Being of Light because
we had become ONE and I felt like I was adoring myself!!  I couldn't decide
if I was a "god" or a "God".  I thought, and told others that "When LOVE
engulfed me I was filled with God but God was not filled with me."  As I
thought about how I was going to tell human beings about reality I felt a
sense of complete futility.  I knew that the words I would need to say were
the same words that had been said to me by others (priests, nuns, the
bible)...words I had never understood until now. Ie: "God is Love".  Also, I
felt terrified because I now believed - things my religion did not believe -
there could not be a hell .... impossible in the light of what I had just
found out.  I realized that god was neither male nor female; that real Power
came from Love and was a very paradoxical thing.  I realized that all of the
virtues of LOVE were divided up amongst the sexes, with the female gender
having certain virtues and the male gender having other virtues.  I realized
that we needed to become more androgenous in our Love in order to be more
complete and whole both to ourselves and to one another.  I realized there
was no such thing as good and evil - but that when LOVE abides there is only
THAT, and that evil was only a kind of ignorance of LOVE - that with
Realization one would come to good as a consequence of that LOVE and for no
other reason.  I realized that I loved God because He/She had first loved me
and for no other reason ...I realized that I "knew" God and He/She "knew"
me.  I felt "saved".  There wasn't anything to fear ever again.  The words
"All is well" came to me and I wanted to show everyone immediately my
unbridled JOY.  I was no longer afraid of dying.  Dying had become just a
"step" into another experience - like when we open the door to go outside to
get some sunshine.

This dream has been with me ever since. It has colored every moment of my
life with an extraordinary knowledge of the "safety" of our existence.  I
cried when my father died only because it was so beautiful that everyone was
there and the possibilities for healing of our family because of this
amazing event.  The night he died I dreamed he was a young man again and he
was sitting on a chair smiling at me.  Then suddenly his "old" face popped
in front of his young face and he laughed at me like it was such a funny joke he just pulled.

I would like to add one more thing about this dream.  It doesn't mean anything.  I just realized the real reason I'm willing to finally share it with you...it's because it doesn't mean anything at all.  It's a story.  That's all.  It is empty and meaningless.  The technology of the landmark forum was able to reach through all of my resistences in regard to this obsession I've carried for 34 years.  It's over.... done....gone.  I get it. Thank You.

I finally signed up for a Landmark Forum, but I feel sort of ho-hum about it.  The Landmark "agreement" says that you must agree that you have not been coerced into doing a forum and then you agree that if you go psychotic or get sick, and you feel really MAD at them; that you agree to use arbitration rather than getting a lawyer.  I lied because I agreed.  Really - my sister Jen talked me into it.  But that's not actual coersion because she didn't have a weapon of any kind ( we were on the phone).  So I guess I didn't really lie.
 
The forum is May 19, 20, 21 and 23.  This is how Jen talks me into it :  First - I say why I can't or won't go and then she says why that's "just a story"(landmark jargon).   OK , so my first reason was lack of  money, which I can never get away with so I let her glibly jettison that one ( why isn't money EVER a good reason not to be able to do something SOMEBODY ELSE thinks you need to do?)  My final reason for not wanting to go was that I just feel like I don't need it - that I "already know all that stuff".  That kind of stumped her so I had to help her out a little.  I said " C'mon, aren't you going to tell me why that's just a story?" ( I think I really want to go but just want to be talked into it -  love the attention.  She owes me for all the times I've listened to her jibber -jabber)  )Then she says : "Well, that's just part of your (something or another)" I can't remember all the LM jargon.  Then I said "OK , I'm going to go just because you think it will have value for me and I trust your intuition." 

So I'm going to a Landmark Forum and Jeannette's really excited.  I'm not excited.  I like when other's do my feeling for me so that I don't have to get an irritible colon episode, don't you? ( notice how I added in that "don't you" thingy at the end of my sentence? Is that what linguists call a dangling participle"?  Do you think that could be a "penis envy" thing?  We don't have those dangly things so we like to dangle things at the ends of sentences and such - makes us feel the power?  Only women do that. Men don't ever try to get everyone to view reality their way like women do.  Men already know their reality is the culturally agreed upon reality.  I hate that about being female --- don't you? 

Some of the more astute out there might realize after reading this (Matthew comes to mind- always been pretty astute, that one) that this has been a goal of MINE (the landmark forum) - I actually listed it under the GOALS section of my bio.  And to that I say - "SO?" ...just nevermind because I don't really know who I am!  I shilly and I shally.  Am I Jen?  Am I Pat?  Am I someone who wants, really wants to get empowered?...  Think Landmark could help me with this floating identity problem?  Or should I just be happy so many people seem to want to be me?  ( or is it me who wants to be them?)  I wonder if I included this blog in my registration packet if they ( the psychologists at LM) would even let me come at all.  I suppose they would because I already signed the arbitration agreement - the little bean counters! 

It occurs to me that this blog is really boring most of you and that as a matter of fact you probably stopped reading it almost exactly one paragraph ago. in which case I feel safe to get honest here since only I will know what I said...mmmwwwwahahaaha.... so here goes - --------------do you think it's possible that I use humor to try to get people to like me so I can be included in the group too?  Do you think that I feel like I'm uninteresting if I'm not entertaining?  I can't seem to write without trying to be funny.  Maybe I'm Ellen D.!!!!  I knew there was something about that girl I didn't like!  It's this humor cover-up thing!!  Or maybe it's that latent homosexuality cover up thing!!  Hmmmm.... wonder which one it is - or if it's both!!  I really like how I can hide out at the bottom of my blogs like this - it feels sort of like a nice dark bloggycave where I can just explore the shadow side without any of you knowing me all that well -- so safe --- ahhhhhhh!!  Oh wow!  I just re-read the last part of this blog and realized something fantastic!!  (not to you, but difinitely to me)  I realized that I've been caught between a rock and a hard place because I NEED to be funny to feel acceptable to myself - but that I'm really not very good at coming up with the funny stuff at the drop of a hat and THAT's WHY I don't like to talk ! ( OK, so you say not to worry since I'm really not all that funny-neveryoumind)  I can BLOG because I can edit and cut and re-write everything I say.  I appear to be very saavy, cute and intelligent - all of which I AM but you wouldn't notice it in the least in person.  Why, you'de just think I was ordinary - just like you.  Please don't take that the wrong way... Hey anyone who stuck this out ---- want to be my ordinary friend?  I can't promise I won't try to be funny (or quiet) - that's what you'll get in my case.  Oh, the AGONIES of life and love -!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I feel all sort of silly and excited talking about myself like this, but here goes.
I am excited.
I am a red head (more about that later)
I am a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, thinker, philosopher, talker, walker, friend of the sun, moon and stars, lover of green and the sparkle on flower petals, feeler of water like silk in Lone Lake.
I am a scaredy cat.
I have a low platelet count for which my doctor wants me to go to the hemotologist again (I had this several years ago and the hemotologist put me on prednisone - it almost killed me - or at least caused me lots of pain which I hate.)
I don't want my spleen removed.
I'm preoccupied with avoiding pain, although I am not afraid of death (as far as I know).
I read to handle the loss of mySelf and to learn how to get it back again.
Ken Wilber taught me all kinds of amazing things about my enlightenment experience, like everyone experiences what I experienced on a nightly basis - while sleeping!!  Who knew?!  Yeah, Blah,Blah.... Blahhh! 
I want to be with Ken Wilber but I don't want him to talk except when I say "go" and stop when I say "stop!"
I wonder if Ken would think I'm sexy?
I love my husband - very much -and would never cheat on him by sleeping with Ken Wilber -